The Summoning: A Parody
by tortgirl
Summary: Because I love this series so much I've decided to do a chapter by chapter parody of it. Each chapter contains five of the book chapters. Please read and review:
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: With every book I love I must rather make a million fanvids about it or mock the crap out of it. Guess which rode I took with the summoning. Please review. Oh and if you didn't know I'm Londen (you'll see what I mean later).**

PROLOGUE

Little Chloe: Basements are scary.

Whore babysitter Emily who serves no purpose at all: Where the fuck is the coke, you booger?

Little Chloe: Ima stay up here.

Whore babysitter: Stop being such a scared little baby and help me find my coke, whore.

Little Chloe: ZOMG scary people!!!!!

Whore babysitter: Would you get the fuck down here so the plot can move, Jesus!

Real babysitter: Chloe, shit where are you kid?

Little Chloe: WTF?

Scary ghost man/whore babysitter voice: Welcome back Chloe!!! Muahahahahahah!!!!!

CHAPTER ONE

Chloe: *wakes up from fucked up dream*

Londen: Where have I seen that before?

Chloe: *wakes up goes to bathroom*

Chloe's low self esteem: I look too young and babyish. I'm short. I'm flat chested. I'm blonde but not cool blonde stupid strawberry blonde that makes me look five. I don't have my period, I want my period. I'm fifteen I should be able to get pregnant if I want to. All my friends got it when they were like eight, wtf is going on? Oh and I have a stutter. GAWD.

Londen: *facepalm* Not _another_ YA heroine with incredibly low self esteem.

Chloe's inner less annoying monologue: My mom totally died when I was in the first grade. It was bad and stuff.

Chloe's necklace: *has secrets that will yet be revealed*

Chloe: *goes to school in cab and sees kid that's not real and screams*

Taxi driver that we will never see again: WTF happened?

Chloe: Oh nothing, I'm just preparing the reader for what's coming a few pages.

Londen: Can we get to that already?

CHAPTER TWO

Chloe: *gets to fancy art school*

Chloe: *calls aunt replacement mom*

Chloe: Did I ever live in a house with a basement?

Aunt Lauren: What no-I mean yes. I mean why do you want to know?

Chloe: I had a weird dream that I was little and there was a basement and it was scary.

Aunt Lauren: Oh yeah don't worry about it, you were really little. *ehem* but remember I'm here for you and if you ever want to-

Hospital: Paging Dr. Fellows, your few intro minutes are over now back to the plot.

Chloe: That's your cue, bye.

Chloe's inner monologue: I want to be a badass director and I love movies. My friends are awesome but they make me feel immature that I don't like any dudes at my school. So I made up a crush and my idiot friend who serves no purpose other than to show you that I'm not a social pariah told him and now he won't talk to me anymore and avoids me at all costs. FML.

CHAPTER THREE

Random dude we'll never see again who's supposed to represent all of what Chloe's going to lose: You want to have my children-I mean go to the dance tomorrow?

Chloe: Sure.

Film club meeting, weird shit happens ends up in bathroom.

Chloe's period: I have arrived!!!

Chloe: *does happy dance*

Londen: Bitch didn't even get cramps.

Chloe: I'm going to put red streaks in my hair to make me look older.

Chloe: *puts red streaks in hair, hears more scary shit. Leaves bathroom.*

Ghost janitor: Hi, I'm a scary ghost dude here to make you think you're losing your mind and have you shipped off somewhere where the plot will finally take off. Now excuse me as I scare you. BAHHHHHH!!!

Chloe: *screams, runs to roof, get tackled and hauled off to hospital*

CHAPTER FOUR

Chloe: *Wakes up in hospital*

Aunt Lauren: You're going to a group home!

Chloe: Gah!

Aunt Lauren: It's the only way for you to go to UCLA.

Londen: lol that rhymed.

CHAPTER FIVE

Chloe: *wakes up in group home for the crazies*

Crazy girl: Hi, I'm Liz!

Chloe: Gah!

Liz: *Rifles through clothes*

Liz: I like your clothes.

Chloe: Thank you. I'm Chloe by the way.

Liz: *talks like no tomorrow*

Chloe's inner monologue: I wonder how crazy she is. She doesn't seem crazy, I'll bet they don't put _really _crazy people here.

Chloe's inner voice: Oh no Chloe. They don't put any really crazy people here. Just the ones that hear voices, see burned up janitors and fight with teachers.

Liz: Oh by the way there are guys here.

Chloe: *gulps* this place is coed?

Liz: Yeah, but don't worry none of the guys are fuckable. Except Simon, but he's Tori's so hands off. There are three nurses the nice old lady, the mean young bitch and the weekend nurse that no one cares about.

A few minutes later

Chloe: *stalks dining room to get a good look at everybody*

Liz: *magically appears*

Liz: The one with the short dark hair and bitchy attitude is my BFF Tori she's kind of bipolar. The fat black chick Rachelle but everyone calls her Rae she lika da fire.

Chloe: *Gulps*

*they go in and meet everybody*

Nice old lady nurse: *does magic pill dance that's reminiscent of an MGMT video*

Nice old lady nurse singing: Pills, pills, pills, pills!

Tori singing: Gimme gimme gimme some pills after midnight won't somebody help chase the shadows away!

Chloe: WTF?

Minutes later upstairs while everyone is getting dressed.

Tori: Rachelle, where's my new shirt whore?

Rae: Idk where'd you leave it, whore?

Tori: Whore, did you do the laundry?

Rae: No, whore. I was going to do it after new gi-I mean Chloe got settled.

Tori looking at Chloe: Whore.

Chloe: WTF?

Tori: I want my shirt, whore.

Rae: It's new, wear it.

Tori: It's new and has people on it. Ew. Wash it whore!

Rae: *fucks off*

Tori: *attacks Chloe with eyes*

Chloe: *Steps back*

Tori: Sucker.

Creepy disembodied hand: *Scares Chloe*

Chloe: Gah!

Everyone: *looks at Chloe*

Chloe: I-I-I-I tripped.

Creepy voice probably belonging to disembodied hand: Girl…plot…me…move along…

Liz: OMG are you okay?

Chloe: *stutters*

Tori: Is she retarded?

Liz: She has a stutter.

Tori: That doesn't answer my question.

Chloe: I have a speech impediment. Whore.

Londen: Oh no she di int!

Tori: *fucks off*

A few minutes later.

Chloe's inner monologue: This fucking place likes schedules way to fucking much man.

Chloe: *searches for escape route*

Mean young bitch nurse: I'm watching you.

Chloe: I-I-I w-w-wasn't doing anything.

Mean young bitch nurse: You're trapped, we have an alarm and no gate in the back yard, muahahahahahah!!!!

Chloe: That's it? I mean oh noes, I'm trapped!


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER SIX

Chloe: *peels carrots*

Simon: Hello, Chloe I'm going to mindlessly flirt with you for a moment while a steal food.

Chloe: Gah!

Chloe's inner monologue: Well, he's certainly fuckable but he's backing me into a corner so I think I'll just act like a complete spazz and hope he doesn't rape me in the kitchen.

Simon: *looks for food*

Chloe: There's an opened sleeve of crackers.

Simon: Trust me, he'll want all the crackers.

Simon: *Hands crackers to someone behind Chloe*

Chloe: *turns around*

Derek: *stands there looking threatening*

Chloe: omgitsthefugliestpersoniveeverseen!!!!!

Derek: *tries to walk away*

Simon: Oh right, this is my brother Derek.

Chloe: Brother? But you're hawt and a blonde Asian. He's fugly _and_ has acne.

YA readers: *le gasp* an ugly dude in a YA book? It's impossible.

Derek: *incert sarcastic remark here*

Londen: *licks teeth* I'm liking fugo already.

Simon: Foster brother.

Derek: kthnxbai.

Simon: We're still teaching him manners.

Chloe: Whatever.

Simon: *tries to mindlessly flirt more*

Tori: Like hi Simon, what's going on?

Simon: …

Tori: Food stealing? Cool, that's cool.

Simon: …

Tori: Can I have your children?

Simon: Shhh…

Tori: omg I'm soooo sorry.

Chloe: *gets the fuck out of there*

*goes to living room*

Chloe: This computer is old as fuck. And is a PC, ew that's even fuglier than Derek's face.

Old PC: *gives Chloe the finger and doesn't let access her email account*

Chloe: *checks out movies*

Chloe sorthing through movies: Crap, crap, crap. Jurassic park? At least that one's not that bad.

Video label: Must ask permission that will not be given because this movie will provoke violence and sex.

Chloe: Aw crap.

Lunch time: *starts*

Chloe: *meets Peter*

Peter: *Serves no purpose*

Food: *is disgustingly healthy*

Derek: *inhales food*

Chloe: *wants to vomit*

Liz and Tori: *talk like teenage girls*

Rae: *is not there*

Simon: *plays host*

Tori: *becomes even bitchier*

Tori: Chloe sees ghosts! Chloe sees ghosts!

Chloe: *facepalm*

Derek: *stops eating*

Derek's eyes: *are piercing*

Chloe: *stammers*

Tori: *mocks Chloe's stammering*

Simon: Bitch-whore much?

Tori's foot: *is in mouth*

Tori: I think it's cool, maybe she can help Liz with her poltergeist.

Liz: Tori, wtf?!

Derek: Here we go.

Tori's foot: *back in mouth*

Rae: *comes to Chloe's recue*

Chloe: *disappears*

A few minutes later.

Chloe's low self esteem: They know and they think I'm a freak!

Londen: They're crazy too, you know?

Chloe: *wants to mope*

Young bitch nurse: You can't mope, you might kill yourself and die and we won't allow that. Whore.

Chloe: *loses argument and goes to do laundry*

Rae: Firefirefirefirefirefirefirefire!!!!!!!

Chloe: omg pyro!

Rae: No, no I just like fire. But I'm not a pyro. I would never start a fire.

Chloe: Okie dokey then.

Rae: *bitches about Tori*

Chloe: *listens thoughtfully*

Rae: *bitches about how she's not crazy*

Chloe: *Listens thoughtfully*

CHAPTER SEVEN

Chloe: *does laundry*

Ghost from before: Girl…move…plot…basement…door…open…whore…

Chloe: *looks at basement door*

Chloe's inner monologue: I should open it just to get proof that there's nothing there.

Chloe's inner voice: WTF would you need proof? Whore.

Chloe's inner monologue to Chloe's inner voice: Oh shut up.

Chloe: *goes to basement door*

Basement door: *is locked*

Ghost: Find…key…moron…

Chloe: The door is locked, so there. Whore.

Chloe: *smacks into wall of flesh*

Wall of flesh: *is Derek*

Chloe: GAH! omgisthefuglyguyagain!!!!!!!!!!!

Derek: *cuts to chase*

Derek: You were talking to ghosts.

Chloe: Nuh uh I was talking to myself.

Derek: Uh huh, and I'm devilishly hansom.

Chloe: *wants to GTFO but is blocked by Derek's hugeness*

Derek: What do you see, Chloe?

Chloe: I-I-I-I d-d-

Derek: Calm the fuck down, would ya?

Chloe: *is insulted*

Derek: Do they talk to you? Can you see them?

Chloe: You really want to know?

Derek: What have I been saying, Hayley Joel?

Chloe: *becomes snarky*

Derek: *sort of smiles but it looks weird on his fugly face*

Chloe: *GTFO's*

Derek: Time to call in reinforcements.

Chloe: *goes to therapy*

Dr. Gill: You're a schizo!

Chloe: Oh shit.

Therapy ends.

Chloe: *mopes in media room*

Simon: *flirts mindlessly*

Chloe: *swoons but not really*

Derek: *pops in*

Simon: *offers empty invitation*

Derek: *stares at Chloe*

Chloe: GTFO fugo!

Derek: *keeps staring*

Derek: *walks away*

Chloe: Psycho talk.

A few minutes later…

Chloe: *peels potatoes, forced to do pill dance*

Chloe's inner monologue: I must block the voices out. I must get out of this hell hole.

Londen: Okay someone really needs to see the movie_ Frances._

Chloe's inner monologue: I want to get back to my friends and live a normal life again. I just need to-

Mrs. Wang: Bitch, hit me with a pencil!

Londen: lol _Wang._

Door: *Slams*

Chloe: wtf?

Tori to Chloe: Whore.

Tori: *runs upstairs*

Chloe: WTF?

Derek appearing from nowhere: Welcome to the madhouse.

Derek: *goes to kitchen after cynical comment*

Chloe: Okay seriously, WTF?

Dinner time: *starts now*

Liz: *sulks*

Tori, Simon, Peter, Rae: *try to cheer up*

Derek and Chloe: *Eat quietly*

Dinner time: *ends now*

Rae and Chloe: *fold laundry*

Rae: So you see ghosts huh?

Chloe: *facepalm*

Rae: Tell me everything.

Chloe: *tells everything*

Rae: Holy fucking shit.

Chloe: Yeah.

Rae: Maybe you just had a small breakdown because your menzies were so late. I'm sure it's happened.

Londen: Yes because, Rae is a doctor now.

Chloe: *gets false hope*

Rae: So have you looked up the janitor ghost dude yet?

Chloe: What? No.

Rae: Do it. See if you really are crazy!

Chloe's inner monologue: I want to do it but I can't because if I do that would against the rules of the schizophrenic getting better code and stuff.

Londen: Er…what?

Chloe: I want to but I mean Dr. Gill says I'm crazy.

Rae: It's a label, like one that everyone put on me because I'm black. Like every black person is in a gang. Er no were not. Whores.

Chloe: But they say I'm schizophrenic.

Rae: Potato, potahto.

Chloe: I guess.

Rae: We should totally do our own research. We should after the whole Liz thing. She's probably going to get transferred.

Chloe: Aw boo.

Rae: Yeah, whores. But it's like with this kid Brady, he didn't want to get better and he just said there was nothing wrong with him and they hauled his ass off to the funny farm. So I know that to stay away from loony town we need to do the pills dance and say we want to get better.

Awkward silence while folding laundry.

Rae: So did you notice how Simon isn't going to watch that movie with us?

Chloe: Simon's nice, but he's a total cock tease.

Rae: I think him and Tori would be a great pair. I'm just putting that out there. Fugo is a jerk but at least he's honest about it. But it's weird how they're always together. I kind of get a gay vibe.

Chloe: o.O

Chloe: So what are they in for?

Rae: I don't know, all I know is that Simon never goes to therapy and Derek gets a lot of it. No one ever visits them but they always go on about their dad. I wonder where he is.

Londen: I smell plot point.

CHAPTER NINE

Chloe: *is sleeping*

Liz: Bitch, wake up!

Chloe: wtf?

Liz: We're gonna have a séance!

Chloe: W.T.F?

Liz: We need to contact my poltergeist, otherwise they'll send me away. I don't want to go away.

Chloe: But how-?

Liz: You don't believe me!

Chloe: I didn't-

Liz: *wales*

Shit: *starts flying everywhere*

Chloe: OMGWTF?!!!!!!

Liz: *is dragged away by men in white coats*

Tori: What did you do, whore?

Chloe: Bitch, this is your fault.

CHAPTER TEN

Bitch nurse: Do the sleeping pill dance.

Chloe: Do I have to?

Bitch nurse: Yes.

Chloe: *rolls eyes*

Chloe singing: I'm feeling rough I'm feeling raw in the prime of my life. I'ma take a sleeping pill and dream with the stars.

Chloe: Happy?

Bitch nurse: I'm never happy, now go to sleep.

Chloe: *wakes up next day*

Liz: Hi, Chloe!

Chloe: holyfuckingshit!!!!!

Liz: Dude, I had the weirdest dream. People were totally performing an autopsy on me. I think I read somewhere that if I get an autopsy in my dream it's about sex, so maybe I just need to get some. Too bad Simon's taken. My self esteem is not low enough to do Derek yet.

Chloe: I guess I must have been dreaming.

Liz: *walks through shit*

Chloe: Aw fuck.

Liz: AHHHHHH *disappears*


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Chloe: *goes to breakfast/eats feelings*

Chloe: hey, bitch nurse can I call Liz today?

Bitch nurse: No.

Chloe: But-but-

Bitch nurse: She's dead, Chloe.

Chloe: WHAT????!!!!

Bitch: She's still in bed, Chloe.

Chloe: *goes to learn shit*

Chloe: *goes to do something learning related*

Simon: You're not talking today, why?

Chloe: I always not talk.

Simon: But I'm here, flirt with me woman.

Chloe: …

Derek: *appears*

Derek: *stares at Chloe*

Chloe: Why are you staring at me?

Derek: *ignores and grabs fruit*

Derek: So what happened last night?

Chloe: Hap-p-p-p-

Derek: Slow your shit down.

Chloe: *is offended*

Derek: *over shadows something that's were not going to find out for while to Simon*

Simon: I don't want a stinking apple, whore.

Derek to Chloe: Well?

Simon: You should talk about it. It might help you feel better.

Chloe: kthnxbai

Simon and Derek: *gossip about Chloe*

Chloe: *Tries to eavesdrop*

Nice old lady nurse: It's time for Peter to GTFO.

Chloe: Wow, he really was useless.

*Lame party time*

Cake: *is low-fat, organic and has no frosting*

Londen: So it's a sponge with carrot then?

Chloe: Pretty much.

Peter and his parents: *GTFO*

CHAPTER TWELVE

*Math time*

Derek: *sits surreptitiously out of classroom for math*

Chloe: Not only is he fugly and has the worst personality ever but he's also a dumbass. Wow.

Chloe: *writes email to lameass friend we'll never see again*

Chloe: *gets paranoid*

Chloe: *googles group home*

Chloe: *googles scary ghost man*

Article she was looking for: You're not crazy!!!!!!

Chloe: Holy fu-

Derek: *appears*

Chloe: -uck!

Derek: That the ghost?

Chloe: What? No. Pshh, please.

Derek: I know it was, don't bother lying. But here look this up.

Derek: *smells bad*

Chloe: Jeez! Not only are you fugly, have a horrible personality, a dumbass but you also smell like a dead person.

Derek: Yeah, and I'm not self-conscious about it at all. But thank you for reminding me that I'm repulsive. Look at what I typed, I'm going to go hit something now.

Derek: * walks away*

Chloe: Necromancer? The fuck is that?

Wikipedia: You dumbass, you are a necromancer. But if you don't believe me check the necro check list.

Necro check list: sees dead people

Chloe: Check.

Necro check list: Can raise the dead.

Chloe: Not that I know of…yet.

Creepy music: DUN DUN DUN!!!!

Necro check list: Yeah, that's about it.

Wikipedia: Some necromancers raise the dead for their armies so they can take over the world. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Chloe: Aw shit.

Wikipedia: It's also a character in a role playing game.

Chloe: Oookay.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

*School, blah, boring stuff*

Chloe: *Does homework*

Chloe's inner monologue: holyfuckimseeingrealghosts!!!!!

Rae: Don't worry, you're not going to get transferred anytime soon.

Chloe: Thanks. That was very reassuring.

Rae: It's what I'm here for. Just remember, do the pill dance and say you want to get better and you'll be out if this place.

Chloe: Right.

Rae: Oh and Tori's all doped up so we get to see her fall asleep in her soup at dinner.

Chloe: Yay?

*Dinner time*

Tori: *is zombie*

Chloe: This is not that entertaining.

*dinner ends*

Note: Meet me in the laundry room. –Der- I mean Simon.

Chloe: *goes to laundry room*

Ghost: …here…

Chloe: ….

Ghost: *facepalm*

Derek: *appears*

Chloe: OMGIMGONNADIE!!!!!!

Derek: Are you always this jumpy?

Chloe: Where did you come from?

Derek: My mother's vagina…I think, you?

Chloe: You totally pretended to be Simon, didn't you?

Derek: Well yeah, you're so scared of me, you'd never agree to talk to me alone. And for Simon you're early. So did you look it up?

Chloe: Necromancer? Yeah I did.

Derek: And…?

Chloe: I'm going to be snarky and say that I don't want to play role playing games. Well maybe, but I'd rather be a wizard.

Derek: -The fuck?

Chloe: Yeah, that's what I'm saying but I did find some scary sites with someone raising the dead. But you couldn't possibly be talking about that could you?

Derek: *stares at Chloe*

Chloe: *stares at Derek*

Derek: *stares at Chloe more*

Chloe: *stares at Derek more*

Derek: If this was an adult book we'd be doing it on the dryer by now.

Chloe: wtf?

Derek: But since this is a YA fantasy novel I think I'm just going to get really, really angry and grab you arm and throw you across the room.

Chloe: WTF?

Derek: *grabs Chloe angrily and throws her across the room*

Chloe: W.T.F?

Derek: Oh shit, Chloe I'm really sorry-

Chloe: getthefuckawayfrommefugo!!!!!

Chloe: *runs away*

Rae: Hey Chloe.

Chloe: Derek. Simon. Files. Read. Tonight.

Rae: YAY!!!!!!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Nice old lady nurse: here have carrot stick _and_ some dip.

Chloe: Wow, dip. You're spoiling us. *insert sarcasm here*

Rae: So nice old lady nurse, can I move in with Chloe now that we're besties?

Nice old lady nurse: Okay.

Chloe and Rae: *pack up Rae's shit*

Rae: You so want to do Simon don't you?

Chloe: What no-

Rae: He's been mindlessly flirting with you and you've liked it. So if you want to tap that go for it. Just be safe.

Chloe: Seriously, I don't-

Rae: I know where bitch nurse keeps her stash of rubbers are so just say the word-

Chloe: O.0

Rae: But I'm glad you're running a background check, it's always good to check.

Chloe: No really, I'm not-

Rae: My mom's friend did a background check on a guy she was going to marry, good thing she did, he ended up being a sex predator who liked to molest goats.

Chloe: I'm not into Simon, its Derek.

Rae's eyes: * come out of sockets*

Rae: _Fugo?_

Chloe: It's not-

Rae: _You want to do fugo?_

Chloe: No-no-

Rae: Even with five million condoms I couldn't imagine doing _that_.

Chloe: Rae, Rae, I don't want to do Derek.

Rae: Oh thank mother Mary.

Chloe: I just need to check up on him-

Rae: Did he do something to you? Cause is he did-oh I'll kill him, seriously, we'll do it together. In his sleep.

Chloe: that won't be nessa-

Rae: And then we'll burn the pieces-

Chloe: Rae, relax, it's just something that's going on, killing him and burning the pieces of his body will not be necessary.

Rae: You sure, it might be fun.

Chloe: Yeah I'm sure. Let's just look at their files, okay?

Rae: Fine.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Chloe's inner monologue: Holy shit, these people go to sleep early.

Chloe and Rae: *sneak out and 2:30 a.m.*

Chloe: *prints out files*

Rae: *is not useful at all*

Chloe and Rae: *go to kitchen*

Chloe: We are raiding the kitchen, nothing huge is going on at all. Just raiding the kitchen, right Rae?

Rae: Yup now pass me the rice krispies.

Derek: *enters kitchen*

Chloe: Here take a cracker.

Derek: *stares at Chloe*

Chloe: *stares at Derek*

Derek: *still staring at Chloe*

Chloe: *still staring at Derek*

Derek: *yup still staring*

Chloe: Can you stop doing that?!

Derek: *moves out of the way*

Chloe: 0.o

Chloe and Rae: *go back to bed*

Rae: Can we read the files now?

Chloe: Sure.

Chloe: *gets files*

Rae: Where's Simon's?

Chloe: There wasn't one.

Rae: o rly?

Chloe: *shrugs*

Rae: Well what does fugo's say?

Derek's file: Was born somewhere no one knows about, has severe anger issues. Broke a kids back. Father abandoned them. Kthnxbai

Chloe: Huh.

Chloe's inner monologue: WTF? They keep the hulk in here with his "anger issues" but they chuck Liz out. Sexism much?


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Chloe: *Has freaky non-dreams*

Nice old lady nurse: Bitch, wake up.

Chloe: wtf?

Nice old lady nurse: And get dressed, your aunt's here.

*breakfast with auntie time*

Aunt Lauren: Do you still love me even though I dumped you in a home?

Chloe: Of course I still love you, it's not your fault I'm schizo.

Aunt Lauren: But you seem so glum, is it a plot point?

Chloe: I guess.

Aunt Lauren: Oh, before I forget here is your necklace.

Necklace: *still has secrets that will be revealed*

Chloe: Thanks.

Chloe's inner monologue: So ghosts, how do I recognize them? Is that guy a ghost? How about that guy? I'm so confused!!!!!!

Chloe's inner voice: Shut up, whore.

Aunt Lauren: So back to that plot point, how are the other kids treating you?

Chloe: o-o-oh s-s-h-i-i-it.

Aunt Lauren: WTF happened?

Chloe: N-n-n-n-n-nothing.

Aunt Lauren: Don't give me that, who is it!!!!!?????

Chloe: No one, it's just-

Aunt Lauren: Who's the boy Chloe? No one fucks with my niece Chloe, no one. No one.

Chloe: It's fine, he's not a big deal.

Aunt Lauren: AH HA! It is a boy. Which one, wait I know it's fugo isn't it? He's just so ugly and grotesque and has _acne_, what teenage boy in a YA novel has _acne_? It's horrible. What did he do?

Chloe: Nothing, it was just-

Aunt Lauren: Did he molest you? Cause if he did, I will murder him, Chloe. MURDER HIS UGLINESS!!!!!!!!

Chloe: He didn't-

Aunt Lauren: MURDER FUGO!!!!!!!!!!!

Chloe: Seriously, it wasn't that bad.

Aunt Lauren: WHAT DID HE DO????????!!!!!!!

Chloe: He grabbed my arm.

Aunt Lauren: *le gasp* He GRABBED you. It's worse than I thought. Don't worry Chloe, I'm going to take care of this.

Chloe: Seriously, that's not-

Aunt Lauren: I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.

Chloe: Okay then.

Chloe's inner monologue: Crap.

*goes back to funny farm and learns shit*

Tori: Hey, bitches I'm back.

Rae: Whore.

Tori: Whore.

Chloe: Whore?

Rae: There you go.

Tori: Slut.

Rae: Bitch, what'd you call me?

Tori: Sa-lut.

Rae: *burns Tori*

Tori: Fucking bitch burned me.

Rae: Bitch, I shoved you.

Tori: She burned me! She burned me! Search her!!!!!!

Simon: Shut your face up, Tori.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Chloe: *goes to bathroom*

Derek: *is there*

Chloe: Oh shit.

Simon: I'm not over-shadowing. Not at all. Why would I over-shadow? I mean was I hogging the bathroom again? Darn me. *gives winning grin*

Derek: Just Chloe.

Derek: *opens door for Chloe politely*

Chloe: The fuck?

Chloe's naïve inner monologue: See Aunt Lauren can handle everything.

Chloe's awesome and snarky inner voice: Bitch, shut the fuck up.

Chloe: *goes to take out trash*

Ghost girl: *is there*

Chloe: Hi ghost girl!

Ghost: the fuck?

Chloe: How long have you been dead?

Ghost girl: 0.o

Chloe: Anything?

Non-ghost girls mom: Amanda get away from the crazy girl. She'll crazy you too.

Non-ghost girl: *runs away*

Chloe: aw fuck.

Simon: Bitch, what did you do?

Chloe: wtf?

Simon: You said something, what was it? I keel you for risking my brother, I keel you and make it look like an accident.

Chloe: WTF?

Simon: So it was your bitch-whore aunt then?

Chloe: *stammers*

Simon: You said something and now if he even looks at you again he's going to the cake factory.

Chloe: Cake factory?

Simon: You know what I mean!

Chloe: I-I-I-I-

Simon: Something is happening, Derek was acting all weird and worried last night. What did you do?!!!!!!

Chloe: I was hot and I rolled my sleeves up.

*dramatic pause*

Simon: Er…what?

Chloe: Oh for fucks sake, look.

Chloe's bruises: Sup.

Simon: Oh shit.

Chloe: She forced the truth out of me. She can do that. But even so, I had the right to tell someone, at least that's what all those lifetime movies say.

Simon: What did he do? Grab your arm? That's not a big-

Chloe: He threw me across the room, bitch!

Simon: Srsly?

Chloe: Yeah.

Simon: But he didn't mean it, he-he has issues.

Chloe: So if I kill you right now and rape your fine blonde Asian corpse, that would be okay if I didn't really mean it?

Simon: Um…ew and no that's not-

Derek: She's right.

Chloe and Simon: The fuck?

Derek: I wanted to talk to you, you acted snarky and I let it loose.

Chloe: You threw me across the room.

Derek: I didn't-ah fuck it, yeah I did. My bad, I take full responsibility. Now Simon, let's fucking go, okay?

Simon: But he's a super hero! Don't you get it? He can't control-

Derek: Dude, shut your face up.

Simon: Stop foreshadowing and tell her the fucking truth, whore!

Derek: Dude!

Simon: *does something freaky*

Chloe: wtf?

Derek: It's nothing, you're crazy, now GTFO.

Simon: Dude!

Chloe: Whatevs, I don't care about foreshadowing, he's just being a jackass to get me intrigued so I'll look more into all this weird shit and then I'll join your freaky little thing. But guess what, I don't care, okay? So stop the foreshadowing on shit, stop the weirdo stares. Just stop. *snaps in 'Z' formation*

Simon: *le gasp* She took my move.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Tori: Slut.

Chloe: Do I even have to say it? Okay. WTF?

*later with Rae*

Rae: *bitches about family*

Londen: No one cares.

Chloe's awesome inner voice: Let us have a montage of my day.

Chloe: *goes to therapy*

Chloe: *learns shit*

Chloe: *innerly monologues*

*dinner time*

Dr. Davidoff: I am Dr. Davidoff. Nice old lady nurse, my pimp music please.

Pimp music: *blazes*

Dr. Davidoff: *walks in slow motion*

Chloe: Does he always make such an entrance?

Rae: This is tame, there's usually a smoke machine.

Dr. Davidoff: You must be little Chloe.

Chloe: You must be Dr. Narcissist.

Dr. Davidoff: Rae, my prodigy, my angel. No one is better than you.

Rae: *kisses ass*

Dr. Davidoff: Well Chloe, I'm very happy that you're so cooperative with your treatment and that you take your meds and that you've accepted your diagnoses.

Derek: *actually stops eating to watch Chloe and Davidoff*

Dr. Davidoff: Now you just keep that model attitude and you'll be back to your friends in no time.

Chloe: *kisses ass*

Derek's gaze: *is heavy*

Dr. Davidoff: Let me go brainwash you some more in my office.

Chloe: Okay…

Tori: Hidrdavidoffimtakingmymedsandeverythinghowareyoudoyouneedabackrubicandoit.

Dr. Davidoff: kthanxbai

Dr. Davidoff: *has useless session with Chloe*

Chloe: Well that was useless.

Chloe: *goes to living room and sees beauty and the beast*

Derek: Get me food.

Simon: Get your own, whore.

Derek: Stop calling me whore and get me a soda.

Chloe: *cooks up plan*

Chloe: *gets Rae's DS and communicates with Simon*

Chloe and Simon: *have useless conversation and decide to talk at 8 because fugo is showering for the fiftieth time that day*

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Rae and Chloe: *do laundry*

Chloe: *hears Simon*

Chloe: I gotta go kthnxbai.

Chloe: *meets Simon*

Simon: *is serious*

Simon: *some back story and a few "I love my brothers*

Chloe: So Derek thinks I really do see ghosts?

Simon: Chloe,

*dramatic pause*

Chloe: Yeah…

Simon: Chloe,

*dramatic pause*

Chloe: Oh come on!

Simon: Right, yeah you see ghosts look the ball is levitating. No hands!

Simons ball: *levitates*

Chloe: holyfuckingshit!!!!!

Tori: Hey, Simon. *scrunches cleavage* How are you- Oh hi whore. Bye now.

Chloe: kthnxbai

Chloe: *is in bed*

Chloe's inner monologue: *wonders about stuff and wonders what it means and if the things and the stuff and the whatnot's and all that jazz*

Chloe's inner voice: I'm not schizo! I'm not schizo! Lalalalalala!! Ole'!

Chloe: *hears voices*

Chloe: Fuck!

Chloe: *goes to check it out in attic*

CHAPTER TWENTY

Attic: *is fucking dark*

Chloe: Here ghosty, ghosty, ghosty. Come here boy!

Ghost: Fucking…finally…

Chloe: So what's up?

Ghost: Cryptic…message…you…won't…get…until…later…

Chloe: Okie dokey.

Liz: Hi Chloe!

Chloe: HolyfuckingshititsLiz!!!

Chloe: *sneezes*

Liz: Heil Hitler.

Chloe: What?!

Liz: Whoops, that's a Dane Cook joke, I mean bless you so your soul goes back to your body.

Chloe: WTF?

Liz: So what are we doing up here?

Chloe: Uh………………………….

Liz: Are you seeing ghosts?

Chloe: Uh……………ghosts?

Nice old lady nurse: You said ghosts! You said ghosts! You're not cured!!

Chloe: No I said mouse I saw a mouse.

Tori: Liar! You said ghost!

Chloe: *facepalm* Crap.

Chloe: *does sleeping pill dance*

Rae: zomgyoucanseeghostscantyou?

Chloe: No shit, Sherlock.

Chloe's inner monologue: I wonder if Liz is a ghost or if she's a not-ghost or if I'm really and the stuff and the-oh who fucking cares?


End file.
